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Do you do enough things together to help promote a loving feeling? Is there any way you could fall in love again? He is obviously unhappy in the marriage as well. He wouldn't be looking at dating sites and certainly not participating in them if he was, in fact, happy.
You have proof that he is looking outside the relationship , so what makes you so sure he won't leave you? It seems quite possible to me. Either you have to work on the relationship - rebuilding fun, love and trust - or work at getting some survival skills should the marriage unravel. I hope you will first see if the two of you can find some good things to do together and see if you can enjoy each other's company and put each other first rather than his mom!
But if that doesn't work, compose a life plan for life after marriage. Do not let everything fall apart suddenly, with no plan about how you and your kids would or will create a better future. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of Pepper's columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter pepperschwartz. Photo by Don Hankins via CreativeCommons. Now Reading:. Rewards for Good. cheating divorce children online dating pepper schwartz ask pepper lying marriage marriage counseling.
I gave into him hoping the distance would go away. But this back fired. He started an emotional affair with a woman I actually became friends with after double dating. Swinging never worked out for us as couples together but he and the wife were texting intimate things like I love you baby. Her words to him burn in my mind. This statement was far more hurtful than their saying I love you.
I did confront him. Our marriage did go straight down the tubes. He found out and says this may be a deal breaker for him. Now that I made these mistakes, and with me being a monogamous loyal person and him wanting more kinky sexual encounters, can our marriage be saved. I have already vowed to not look back. Forgive him. And be more positive. I made a commitment to fixing this because the crime is far less excruciating than losing him. Please help! Dear Rachel, I understand your and see that we are in the same boat, I just want to know how you over came it!!!
You know I was reading your article, and what what r u trying to sell…I am a woman who was meant to be a mother and house wife and I have been with the same man for 17 years and from the start he has been on numbers and dating sites. I have been the one to be loving and pleasing in and out of bed.
I have done everything, everything to hold us together and he does nothing…So tell me…where have i gone wrong, how is any of this my fault in any way? Audrey Your situation is not pleasant to hear about. Were you aware of his calls when you married him? Some men never mature, even when they are married and have children. In those situations it is nearly impossible to do anything other than endure, and cover, so your children are unaware. However, in most homes where the husband has strayed it is because he gave in to temptation instead of opening up to his wife.
In far too many of those cases the wife is oblivious of her failures and would not listen even if her husband laid it out as succinctly as I do. Its NOT her fault! Its a problem with a lack of true marital knowledge. How many understand how to gauge their own behaviors? Express love as a natural part of their life? How to create ongoing intimacy? How to be truly compassionate? If you want a truly happy marriage it is well within your power.
However, my conclusion is it mainly comes down to the mans needs not being met, either emotionally or physically. It always seems that women are the givers, and at some point when they get fed up with giving and express that dissatisfaction with the status quo, then men go looking elsewhere.
Women have to be so many things in a marriage, wife, lover, carer, mother, supporter, decision maker, cook, nurse and bottle washer! Men never wear that many different hats. The same question comes from men who read articles addressed to them, about their wives. The person who seeks help has the power to change only themselves so that is what I offer, only that which is useful to them.
Keep in mind that his negative actions are no excuse for your undesirable behaviors. My husband drinks and goes on Tinder and talks to women, has sent naked pics, went on a few dates, and invited one woman over. He says nothing sexual happened. He had been drinking the whole time. I had problems with my sex drive as newlyweds due to birth control pills and he never seemed to be able to let that go because we were supposed to be in newlywed sexual bliss.
We waited until we were married for sex. I felt I was robbed of the experience and have asked him for compassion. He has refused and thinks only about how HE was robbed of the experience. I was thrown in to an alcoholic marriage and rarely connect with him on an emotional level. He continues to drink and treats me in nasty ways. A few times our interactions turned physical when he drank. So naturally, sex feels like a transaction to please him.
How am I supposed stick around for this? And our children? You are like two children fighting over who should go first and keep spiting each other, though he seems better at the negative and is in self-destruct mode. You can be the first to take the first step if you want but you need to do so without all this resentment which means you need to deal with your mind by getting it to do what you tell it to do.
The best solution is the course for women we have at The Marriage Foundation. Really, talk of divorce when you can save your family? You are correct in stating that web sites like Ashley Madison need to disappear from the face of the earth. I know from personal experience that affairs are like atomic bombs, they destroy everything in their path. I filed for a divorce immediately. We were married for over 20 years. I also discovered that he had been cheating for the 2nd time, this time his affair partner was a married woman.
I believe no marriage can be salvaged if the wayward spouse refuse to change and develop a moral compass. I could no longer accept my ex-husband dishonoring me and disrespecting our teenage daughter. I think not. Dear Msjay I am sorry for your personal experience.
I know many therapists, if not most, suggest infidelity spells the end of the marriage. But that is not our experience. I only wish we could have been there for you and your family. I later discovered that he had at least 4 other sexual affairs and was fired from his job for downloading porn images.
Thank you for your well wishes and keep up the good work. Be blessed! The past is the past, and I am glad you have moved on to raise your daughter well. It is rare, no matter how awful things may appear, to have to lose a marriage, thanks to our discoveries about marriage, and the way we approach it. Many thanks and blessings for sharing your story and confirmation about the Ashley Madisons of the world. I read your article. It was an interesting take on things… I am 6 months into my new marriage, recently discovered my husband has been on a sex dating site.
FFS really?? Wrong or right I felt better confronting him, I am glad he is gone and if he thinks the grass is better well so be it. Hi Bella, You know the article was not written for newlyweds, but for marriages where there are children, and saving the marriage is of a much higher importance. In your case you did the right, and recommended thing.
Please read my article on Newlyweds Having Second Thoughts. I am sorry for what you have been through! My husband and I have been married 8 years but I feel like it never was a marriage. From the start a week after we were married he was talking to other girls. All throughout are marriage he has done this. All the same story.
I feel like our marriage was a big waste of my time. We have 2 kids and guess what after each kid was born in found him talking to other girls. even underage. He does everything you can think of to do. Fuck book, Kiki, snap chat, creating different email accounts. Ando bc he has. ptsd and tbi I make it an excuse. Yet here I am trying to make it work. In our marriage help program for women we begin with how to manage your mind so the impact is greatly lessened, and how to see your husband as having a disease to contend with, that hurts everyone.
Then, we go over marriage in depth, so all your expectations can be realistic. Your husband is reacting; to your behaviors, as well as his own misconceptions. Every man will react differently. You cannot alter the things in his mind, but you can alter the outer conditions, meaning how you are with him. In most cases that is more than enough. In some cases the husband might be using alcohol, drugs, or be impacted by something nobody can see, and those cases are tougher.
Bur usually the marriage should get better in ways you cannot now imagine.. try to not give up. So, what courses are there? And he was a really bad drunk. I need to feel loved as well. Dear Sarah My suggestion for you is to take our program which is unconditionally guaranteed. I am not saying it will work, because of the drugs and alcohol.
But there are many things you can do to be less victimized, and maybe help your husband to see the light. Good Luck to all of you.
Good job Lorie! Now, if you wish, you can learn more about marriage and take yours to a higher level, without fear of making mistakes. Marriage is scientific! He was on his own for a long time and I think they were his female companionship. We both are seniors with very bad experiences in the past and he has many good qualities. I think his male self esteem has been seriously compromised from the past. While I am not threatened by them, I know they indicate that our relationship is not what I want it to be.
He is very afraid to open up but is doing so slowly. I agree that confrontation is unlikely to benefit anyone. It does not take away from the good stuff in our relationship. I have recently started sending him love song videos which he seems to appreciate.
I have had, at various times, to make the decision as whether I want to promote this relationship or end it. I have decided to promote it. His communication with me about deep issues and also just to keep on touch when he is away is improving slowly but steadily. At some point I may share with him that I know about it, but in a kind way acknowledging that he has some needs that are not met in our relationship.
Since he has been doing it for a long time before we met I would not expect that he would drop it immediately. None of us is perfect. Your ability to weigh the positives against the negatives and let go of the negatives will allow your love to grow without restraint. Not building expectations that cannot be met is further proof of your innate wisdom, and your refusal to be influenced by trendy and false crazy ideas is admirable. I think you would enjoy our book. You remind me of one our earlier coaches, who was a MFT and he taught psychology at the collage level.
You will do very well with your man, and when you marry you will be able to enjoy much more connection. Blessings to you both. Thank you Paul. Which book is that? I taught at college for years — in the area of the sciences mainly.
Developing that was my first priority. My students taught ne much. You will enjoy and benefit from my books, Breaking The Cycle, or Lessons for a Happy Marriage, both of which are available in the menu. Thank you for your inputs. In the past year I have found several dating sites my husband is linked to. I confronted him when I discovered a contact in his phone disguised as a male but was really a woman from one of the sites. He deleted the sites but this past week I saw more accounts linked to an email he claims not to use.
These sites are specifically for affairs and hook ups. There were even pornographic in his drafts folder. The most recent blow in the course of 48 hours was finding him texting a former friend of mine that slept with my boyfriend back in college. He claims she texted him and told him to disguise her number. I just recently moved across the country for his new job and we have a young child. Dear Molly, I think you wrote to us, but I will answer here for the sake of others.
Marriage is not a plaything or temp relationship, but the way media approaches it we all have ideas about marriage that makes it tough to make it work. I would not condone any actions which are not marriage building, but the truth is your husband, and you, do not know until you know.
The very purpose for our existenceis to teach marriage. Either take our course or read our book. Your situation is not only fixable, but you can use this as a wake up call. As a single woman who uses websites to seek out single, eligible partners I cannot believe the number of men who are married and seeking out a relationship of some sort or another posing as single men.
I do not knowingly date married men and I was shocked at the number of married men I encountered on line. I made dates with these men thinking they were actually single. It became obvious to me at a certain point that they are still heavily involved with a woman in some way.
Honestly, the problems these men have are worthy of a paycheck for me! I am not a marriage counselor, but it seems to me that is the role I play for these men. A lot of times I feel they are actually trying to understand why their marriage is so bad and what they can do to make it better.
I am an honest and perceptive woman. Most of these guys need some help and usually their marriages mean more to them than being single or getting divorced. There is a breakdown in the marriage somewhere along the way. When I discover the men are married I just converse with them politely.
I think these men are very confused and do not know how to go about repairing their marriages. These guys all claim they are not happy but they have no plans to divorce or remarry. So women — arm yourself with this thought. So just because your husband is on a dating website do not assume that he is willing to throw your marriage down the drain or will find a regular woman who will go for this unless she is desperate to have a child and entrap a married man.
I f you want your marriage to go down the drain and the guy has been a handful, I could understand why you might want to throw in the towel. From what I have seen of most of these married men they have really lost their way in the marriage.
Most of them have no plans to divorce or remarry right away. Try to work on your marriage unless the man has been utterly disgusting has sex with your sister, is involved with criminal activity, is abusive to you or your children. A lot of the guys have career or substance abuse issues which will usually not go away by replacing their wives. And of course most normal women do not want to get involved with a married man with financial, legal or substance abuse issues!
Most of these guys need a fresh perspective on their marriage and their lives, not a divorce. I also meet married men when I am out socially who are cheating on their wives. I am not a therapist nor am I affiliated with this website.
These guys are truly lost but it seems very evident to me that they are not planning on divorcing or remarrying. I think people often forget about basic love and respect in their marriages. I always act like a lady on every date. The guys I have met said they had fun or enjoyed my openness or honesty. I am sure they found me physically attractive as well, but it seems like a different perspective is what attracted them the most.
A lot of people seem to say they are no longer in love, but I think they have forgotten how to keep the relationship lively. Why is the guy taking me out to dinner or out dancing to a new place he has never been to with his wife? I think the answer is that one or both of them has forgotten the initial fun and attraction that characterized the reason for their initial union, and the unique way they have helped one another along in life.
I agree with your opinion. May be worsened the situation. I have 5 years old daughter and hence feel sceptical to take any bold step.
I am trying my best to understand his psychological and physical needs, and trying to fulfil at his requirement level. I have started to show him more love and attention; and trying to motivate him a lot because his professional life is not good from past many years. Please advise me if I am incorrect somewhere.
I have two questions, please advise me: 1. How to maintain my sexual life? But I keep going to him after few days.. sometimes week and give more days gap intentionally. How do I help him come out of online dating, affairs etc.
Also presently he is staying in different city because of his work. I am glad you followed that course of action. Turning from taking things personally to compassionate understanding is a powerful medicine that you need to take for the rest of your life. answer yo question 1, is to work on the relationship first, but always letting him know how much you love his lovemaking see the difference? question 2 is you cannot, so do not try. Please read one of our books or take the course…you will be fine if you become knowledgeable.
I understand that the advice you are giving is logical. It could work if the man truly is in love and just acting badly. It makes me cry to read though. I feel as if this behavior destroys me.
Why must i be so much better then i am to deserve to truly be cared for. My brain says people are human and they can hurt you and love you at the same time.
My heart says no, i have loved you and you have used me. How nasty that you should do that and the only way i can fix it is to go on and on feeling so unloved while i try to win you.
I am confused! Dear Betsy Your confusion is completely understandable, and very common. We give and give and give. To the end of the earth and yet we should be the ones to change more? To live more so that we can win him back? He refuses to get help, counseling. Dear Kris Can you recall one time in your life that resentment actually accomplished anything good? Because I have never seen or heard of anger, vengeance, or expectations ever create a positive result.
Our point is that those who escape their marriages, their wives, by going onto porn sites, or looking for sex fixes, are running for a reason. Is it right that they should do so? Of course not! But neither is it right that a wife would abandon all loyalty, and all compassion, to express her disdain for the man she married by condemnation.
Your husband is not perfect. Neither are you. We are here to help marriages, and we are very good at it. Our clients are successful. But we will only alter our ways when we find a better way to heal marriages. Confronted him and he denied, denied, denied. Gave him photocopies of proof, then he started being affectionate to me. I wanted to throw up. So we finally talked and I chose to continue the relationship if he could confront the ex and tell her he would not be speaking with her anymore.
He did. I thought we had worked things out. Recently my girlfriend tells me he is messaging her through a dating site. Asked him why he was on a dating site. Again deny, deny, deny. I joined the dating website and messaged him. Still he denies that he got my message. The site confirms that he was online and got it. So do I continue to be treated like an ass at home while he is doing whatever when I go to work to support us both???? must I just endure it and fix it myself.
Somehow I do not think you are married. and, yes, there is a difference. The things you did are aggressive, confrontational, intense.
What would your reaction be? I do hope there are no children involved. Neither of you are educated enough to raise children properly, and perhaps not mature enough either. You do not ask questions that would help your relationship. So there can be no valuable feedback for you. I have more than one degree and have studied psychology and human development. I have two grown children that are doing very well. those who are willing to look at themselves, with at least some scrutiny, can find a path out of their difficulties.
Self-improvement is necessary when our old ways fail us. What is not being dealt with is the hurt and extreme pain that we endure. What do we do with that??? Sometimes the only comfort is to let it go because harmony is much more tolerable.
with repeat offenses, those feelings just keep getting exposed over and over again. Susan, you cannot control your husband, but you can learn to manage your mind.. It is not your husbands actions that are the root of your suffering, but how you perceive his actions, or better stated, how your mind perceives his actions. Your mind will control you until, through educated understanding, you learn to control it. Then, and only then, can you be on the path to happiness.
Our teachings are not to become a martyr. On the contrary. Our teachings are wonderful explanations so you can be happy. Dear Jan I can appreciate your comment about my advice as it applies to your own situation, but a general article is not intended to cover every situation, nor do I suggest that a few tips are always adequate to resolve an issue that is essentially a symptom. My advice is to let women know that although it is not their fault their husband is yielding to this monstrous temptation, there are things they can do about it.
The fact that you would trash me personally, says a lot about your personality and approach to your husband, who is much closer to you.
Your level of expectations of him are obviously greater than he can deliver, yet you pummel him in a public venue- venting. Where is your spiritually driven compassion? Would you expect a man with a broken arm to carry a piano? My advice is sound, based on the core principles we teach.
Not everyone can appreciate the depth, but we have seen much worse situations than yours get corrected. You have a done a great job protecting your children and remaining loyal. I wish you would study what we offer so you can do even better — Paul. I am a pretty woman. I get hit on all the time by men but I tell them I am married and not interested.
Anyhows I just found out about two months ago that my husband has 5 accounts on sexads. com site. How I found out is because I made an anonymous account on there and searched his name. Anyhows, he has been searching for local women to hook up with and be even prints out pictures of these women that are nude.
It makes me furious about it. I tried to block this site but then he abuses me and calls me a bitch over and over. Also he drinks so that ads to the situation too. I have tried to be attracted to him like I used to but he just wants sex. He is not an attractive man. He is very skinny and the alcoholism has aged him badly. I need advice please!!! Dear Gail Alcohol is a terrible disease of the mind, and those who fall into its clutches have a very difficult time getting unhooked because it reduces the users will power, sometimes slowly, sometimes drastically.
Our advice is for you to rise above your current situation, yes, but also take precautions that prevent you from sliding into the state he is in. We also advise you to create in yourself an attitude of compassion towards him, rather than disdain, because compassion forces you to up while not pushing him further down. We have been together for 12 years and married 8 we fell in love with each other after both being in very difficult relationships, moved in together both having children from previous marriages, but we got through everything that had been thrown at us.
I thought we always had this special connection not matter what we were there for each other. I have just found on my husband computor he joined a sexy dating site chatting to woman saying sexual things he wanted to do to them and to arrange to meet one inpertiqular, I beleive this has not happened as i spoke to the girl, All i can say is i am heartbroken.
I have confronted him I did scream and shout at first but that is because my husband the man i love destroyed me, he has deleted everything he tells me he loves me and he is sorry and that it became an addiction.
I am trying to pick up the pieces but i feel so hurt how could he do this to us, to us we were suppose to be solid. Suzy The test you are going through is difficult, to say the least, but that does not mean you will not get to the other side of this, and far beyond. This is a wake up call. What you do from here is up to you, and how you perceive what happened the reasons why will have a lot to do with what you do from here.
Understanding the difference between how men and and women relate to sex, due to biological drives and social training is essential for you. Then, when you have the option of feeling compassion instead of hurt, you will be able to move forward if you plan on being there for him. We have seen this situation many times before. We have never seen a failure at least with our clients.
I have been married for 10 years. He is constantly checking his phone. He had put us in financial problems. I feel sick to think that he could to this to me. I wish I knew about his life style before I got pregnant.
Please what can I do I feel so alone. Dear Agnes Please contact us through our coaching…go on the website, and find the contact link. I have been married for 14 years, he has been acting weird latley so I decied to check his phone, and he is signed up to numerous online dating websites. What do I do? Do I just keep my mouth shut and assume he is just browsing.
It is not your fault, but saving your relationship is going to take you stepping up your love and expressions. AND, it is not a good time to bring it up. I have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. Lately I noticed that there was something not right in the relationship,as he always hid his phone from me and would never allow me to see his passwords on his computer.
Well one day he left his computer open with his emails right there in front of me. I found a message that he sent to a woman whom was a work associate. The message contained very passionate and sexual connotations.
I asked him about this. I felt very hurt because I was very committed to him and had been by his side for everything and loved him and showed him love. I felt very angry as this was going on for quite some time. They were going to lunch together frequently.
He said that there was nothing sexual between them. How could there not be any more. He never spoke to me like that. He said he would stop seeing her at lunch and stop the emailing and texting with her.
That was one month ago. What should I do? I feel very unwanted. I am rather obsessed thinking about what he may be doing behind my back. It is a psychophysiological reality that a committed relationship is not the same as marriage. In the past, when we have tried to help couples in less than a marriage we have seen the strain break the bond, as it is just not the same. I suggest you learn about marriage from one of our books or courses, then you may have a better notion of what the right thing for you to do.
We have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way. I recently found him on dating websites like tinder and plenty of fish etc. But today I found him on another one claiming to be single and to having no children. The idea is we have a good relationship I always have been good to him and his needs are met.
So why is this happening. Im not dumb though I know he has to be getting messages from girls and sending them out. Is it worth it to stay? And how should I confront him. Dear Jessica………your situation is as tough as can be because you are doubly vulnerable. We would say to continue loving him, but protect your family by not allowing sex without a condom. Therapy will likely not work. As you say, he is too immature.
But this is not a family buster unless you are the one to bust it. He, like you, needs unconditional love. It would be wise for you to use our course or, at the very least, read one of our books — both spell out much that you need to learn. Your advice is very similar to a program I followed when trying to save my first marriage. For the most part I think it is sound advice, but there are situations in which I think it must be tweaked. I found my husband—again—on a dating site. He lies about everything to these women—age, name, location, job.
I have in the past ignored the behavior, confronted him, and gently asked why. None of it changed the behavior. I am the sole provider in the house. I work 3 jobs. Per his request I immediately change into lingerie when I arrive home. I initiate sex. I cook dinner in lingerie. I maintain the house. I get about 3 hours of sleep each night because he wants me up spending time with him. When I sleep and go to my primary job he goes online.
On top of all this he daily goes through my phone, email, and social media sites; accuses me of sneaking off during lunch to meet with boyfriends; accuses me of being in love with all my exes; and insists that I dress for work just to attract new men. How do you deal with a man for whom it is never enough? Or am I sacrificing myself for a lost cause? Marcie It is quite possible you chose poorly, and if there are no children in the home who he is taking care of your moving on may be a reasonable thing to do.
There is a cardinal rule, that we cannot change another. So although you are doing your best in these areas there are some missing elements….
at the very least I suggest you read Breaking The Cycle, so you can decide for yourself what is your best move. But the children aspect is very important to consider. My ex husband has always been on several sites at once and even lies about his age on them. He said he wants to reconcile with me.
He lies and lies. Everytime he got caught he blamed me. Your thoughts please. Dear Lori We never suggest confrontation because the confronted person will always lie, deflect or…. It is always better to tune into your heart and be the source of love all husbands seek, though sometimes in bizarre ways. Instead you need to develop the knowledge based skills required for marriage…. may I suggest you either take our course or read one of our books.
I am sure you will find happiness, but you need to know where to look. Friedman, have read many of your comments, my daughter is trying to deal with a husband who has cheated once, started a Facebook profile using a fake name, was confronted, took it down, and now is on dating sites with half nude pics of himself-again lying about himself.
They have a young son, he also has a drinking problem and has lied to her many times about his drinking. She has gone to counseling, has tried to learn to not be critical and has tried to reach out to him, but he still blames her then says he is sorry, again lies and drinks, is taking them to financial ruin.
So- you say it is her reaction that can save their marriage? So, if he keeps doing this, she should work on herself and just keep going only to have this happen again and again?
But life is not like that. We need to know as much about marriage and relationships as possible, or we run into one stumbling block after another. The more we strive to do what is right, based on usable principles, in accordance with what we face, the better the outcome. Your daughter is in a troubling situation, and there is no telling how it will turn out over time, but she is still his wife, and still the mother to their child.
If she reads Breaking The Cycle or takes our course if it is easily affordable she will have a much better idea of what she should do…or you can both complain, criticize, and condemn…and keep digging the hole you are all in.
Your son in law is hurting, too. His actions are NOT excusable, but you make it sound like he is vindictive rather than trapped. He needs help, too. Twila Your seeing marriage as a give and take relationship, where things have to be fair. But those approaches cannot work.
Marriage is not, and was never meant to be give and take, or fair. But when you understand its innate dynamics marriage will bring you more happiness than any other relationship by huge degrees. Your sour grapes ideas would be accurate if you were in a business deal. Your husband is not your child, either though they often act that way. It is not your fault, of course. Our society does not prepare us for marriage or any other relationship. I suggest you at least read our books if you cannot afford the course though it is inexpensive, it cost more than the books.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were very happy totally in love and the sexual chemistry is amazing. Last year my mum died and my feelings changed, he became suspicious of me and accused me of cheating. I reassured him and he seemed to accept this, he said he was afraid I was cheating because of my high sex drive, this was totally untrue, I let him have my phone, emails and so on and there was no evidence of a problem so he calmed down and accepted I have always been faithful.
Its been up and down all year, he wanted to make up, then was difficult and unsupportive again. Finally, I checked his emails to find out what was going on, he had been on dating websites, largely to overseas sites, he told me he likes to be admired.
I confronted him and we split up, we both went on dating websites but then agreed we had realised what we lost and wanted to start again. I contacted her she said they exchanged numbers on a dating website but had hardly had much contact.
I am now at the point of giving up, I love him very dearly and recently we told eachother we wanted to be together forever, he said we are soul mates and he said we would start again on a new footing but he is still contacting other women.
Any advice would be welcome. Dear Christina It saddens me to see in your example how women have been convinced that the shallowness of sex and surface relationships is all you need. The depth of a woman is in her heart, the gateway to infinite love, not merely a temporary gratification of the emotions. Within you is that which men seek, that love which they do not have so direct an access to. This love is what you and your boyfriend are missing, and it cannot be easily discovered outside of marriage….
but how would you have known this? Our world is deprived of depth, and me must make great effort to find the way…. unfortunately, no other way will bring true and lasting happiness. Your hope is in your heart, and you must begin anew to find that, and then you will attract the man who finds it within you.
The first time was almost 2years ago I found the secret phone in his work truck, I forgave him,we were trying to work on our marriage.. How in the world do I move past this? Any advice? From anyone???? Some do not forgive, but callously end their marriage out of anger and frustration. Others go for counseling in order to understand what happened, and get a feel about what they can now do, but marriage counseling almost never works. You said you worked on your marriage…but how?
If you want to work on being an artist or an accountant or anything else you would take steps to learn about whatever subject was necessary to achieve success.
But we seem to ignore the reality that marriage, too, has requisite subjects to learn for success. it will heal if you know how 4 Begin your efforts to learn about marriage so you can apply and succeed…you will succeed if you put it all together.
I do pray for you and hope you understand enough of what I wrote to help you get started with enthusiastic determination. If so than have you ever been cheated on,or been the one to cheat? So thank you for your response,just not the advice I was hoping to recive..
Lana Of course I am very happily married, have children, and so with every coach we bring into The Marriage Foundation. All of us also understand these teachings inside out so we can do the best we can in helping those who find themselves in trouble.
I am sorry you find yourself in this current situation, but some kind of marriage failure was inevitable because your idea of marriage as expressed is impossible. Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that.
Marriage is a give and give relationship, based on premises of each striving to love unconditionally. Your husband did not fail you as much as he failed himself. And now, you wish to punish him, rather than forgive him. If you wish to save your marriage, you probably can, but not with your present thinking. I suggest you take our course or at least read one of our books. I promise you your thinking is taking you towards divorce. Our thinking and teachings can help you save your marriage.
It is your free will that decicdes your fate. Dear Sue What we teach has saved many marriages that would otherwise have ended, hurting the lives of all; spouses, children and future generations. In developing our programs I chose to focus on rehabilitation; of the love, the ideals of marriage, and the potential future.
True, there is pain, but my methods give individuals the power to gain control over the emotions, and the power to tap into the love that is innate within us all. It is not idiotic to strive for solutions that potentially bring happiness, and in most cases our teachings do just that.
Do our teachings work in all cases? Of course not. But we have saved marriages that most wrote off. Individuals who take our courses or read our book ALL have benefited. Not all marriages were saved, but the individual who sincerely puts our ideas into practice always fare much better for the rest of their lives.
Blessings… Paul Friedman. My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time. He has been emotionally and physically distant , and I have been craving to get some intimacy back in the relationship. My reaction to this was that we should work on things while we are still under the same roof, as we have children and that we will all be affected by such drastic moves..
but he refused. My husband finally did move out, 2 weeks ago, and still insists that he wants this marriage to work. He has not shown any remorse or has even apologised. He wants us to hang as friends and hopefully rekindle what we have lost. I am now at the crossroads.. I no longer feel that I can trust him, but i want this marriage to work. Am I just being a doormat.
When is enough.. Dear Nadi There is no sense blaming your husband for his weaknesses which, as you have seen, only makes him angry and pull further from you.
If you are to save your marriage you must understand him, what drives him, and how you, yourself, must think and behave to pull him back into the family. Although it is unfortunate things have come so far it is probably not too late for your family if you do that which makes marriages work, rather than hold him accountable, which always destroys marriages.
A person of compassion is noble, not a doormat. No Excuses Please …. the problem is a lack of communication between both parties…. Husband and wife is waiting for Who is going to take the first step…. or it could be…. Porn sites area bad excuse for anything…. Forgiveness is an essential quality to develop within our own consciousness.
Without forgiveness we would all be condemned. He also watches a lot of porn. Plus he has quite a few women friends including his ex-wife. About six years ago, my husband suffered a major stroke that left him paralyzed on his left side. He was He has visual problems and some cognitive loss. At the time, he was paying all of our bills. He told me he was just curious. Hiscomputer was filled with porn pics and videos. I tried to give him more attention.
But I became the caregiver. At first I needed to help him bath and dress. He is now able to do that by himself. I still help with minor things like clip nails.
He has not been able to find work that he can do and is on disability. We have a 15 year old daughter. I am the sole breadwinner, housekeeper, driver, etc.
I do not know if he is still on the dating sites and viewing a lot of porn. I do not want to spy. I am not a religious person so God does not play a part in my decisions. So, I ask—is it really fair to criticize me for being angry and feeling like giving up?
Thank you. Dear Ginger I will address the question about your daughter first, because the rest of her life is before her.
Cheating of any kind, to any degree, is immoral, and it is a big deal. Understand that this is a wakeup call that your marriage has not been working well for some time now. You too can have a fresh start; some situations more easily than others, but in almost every case. In this article, I will help you better understand what is happening, and hopefully convince you to take a realistic approach that will put your marriage on solid ground again, moving towards a relationship that is more fulfilling than it has ever been.
The shock, disappointment, confusion, and numbness you may feel at the moment always passes. I promise that you will get past this one way or another. Rather than just reacting randomly to the situation, why not proactively get your marriage back under control and moving in the right direction?
When done right, this will ensure that not only will dating sites cease to be an issue, but all of your other problems will stop popping up again and again. You can improve your marriage without his participation, or even his knowledge of what you are doing. And to be honest, it is best that way, trust me. Most of our clients are wives who have done it this way. Turn this boulder of an obstacle into a stepping stone towards marital happiness.
My desire is to not just help you get your marriage back on track, and we are very good at that, but also to give you what you need to fulfill your original reason for getting married: to be happy.
We have helped countless wives who were told it was impossible to save their marriage even after months of traditional marriage counseling and marriage retreats. But if you pretend that things at home were fine until now, you are fooling yourself. Things were NOT fine. But both of you participated in your marriage getting to the point where he would even consider looking elsewhere.
That is the fundamental problem. What occurred in your marriage that brought it to that point? Who is to blame is irrelevant. The only thing that matters now is how you get back on track by fixing those underlying problems. And as a woman, you alone possess a unique, inherent power to change everything for the better, which we will discuss in this article.
Some wives are so overwhelmed with anger that they cannot hear the truth no matter what. If you are still in that place of anger try reading this article later, because it would be better to save your family rather than lose it over infidelity.
You might consider rebuilding your marriage just for the kids, as children can be tragically harmed by divorce. We want your marriage to be better than ever, and we can help you get there. Let his straying be a wake-up call for you. If you keep doing what you have been doing, then your marriage will keep getting worse, guaranteed.
But if you start taking positive steps now, you will not only save your marriage, but you will be able to have a great one; I promise you that, too. I got all of my clients from marriage counselors who could do nothing for couples. Then I started saving their marriages. Everything ultimately begins with your choice of whether you want to start taking proactive action to rebuild your marriage while you still can, or if you want to let everything crumble because of his grave error. He did not do it to hurt you.
Thinking he did so only adds an unnecessary layer of complexity to the mess. Marriage is the deepest and most holy relationship you will probably ever have. It is a union between two souls, hence the term soulmate. What that means in practice is that you, as a soul, are supposed to employ your free-will and utilize your body and mind for the soul purpose of expressing love in ways that are not possible in any other relationship.
Marriage is the perfect safe-space for doing so. Couples who live in such a harmonious, loving marriage would never consider cheating.
Not because it is immoral, but because their hearts are so full of love that the thought never enters into their minds. Does that make sense? Ideas that lead toward a fulfilling marriage for both of you. You reacted to each other, jabbed each other, were sarcastic, argued with each other over the silliest things, and generally took each other for granted. Without cultivating real love, you never know the true depth of intimacy and what it means. I can tell you it is far beyond anything physical.
It is a true, spiritual experience to connect with your soulmate. Most couples feel it at their wedding for a brief moment, then they lose it as they get drunk at the reception. Neither of you knew about this. What you both should have been doing is properly cultivating loving behavior and habits that express true, unconditional love.
It is not too late. You can start now, but please acknowledge to yourself that you have not done so up to this point. I have been doing this for a long time. You cannot fool me as easily as you can yourself. Both of you participated in developing this situation and the proof is in the pudding. It is only a symptom. It is the end result of months or years of bickering, lack of respect, and harmful underlying dynamics.
If you fix the real issues, your marriage will heal very quickly and he will come back to his senses and his wife. We have seen this happen time and time again over decades and it will likely happen for you too if you take my message to heart and adhere to it. This means you will have to learn to understand yourself, him, and your marriage.
How else, without love, will you be able to forgive what he has done? However, on your road to recovery, there are many things you cannot do if you want to see success. Any of these things you might try will backfire. This might seem unrealistic and counter-intuitive, but take our word for it, we have seen these situations countless times, and none of these actions work. Learn from their mistakes!
Mistakes do not end everything. You just have to start again. And absolutely do not drag him to counseling to be tag-team confronted and shamed. Confrontation is an attack, period. It causes anyone to dig in even deeper. We want to bring the two of you closer, not further apart. If you ignore this warning or have already confronted him, these are the most likely results you can expect:. Nobody behaves well when they are confronted.
This is a cardinal rule for marriage, even when things are good. Yet it is so rarely adhered to. Marriage is a private relationship that is closed off to the world. Only the two of you are supposed to know what is going on within your marriage, and that practical rule is especially true for any problems. Even loving sisters have done this.
Even with counselors, keep the details minimal. Describing the details will not help in the slightest to improve your marriage—changing your behavior is the only thing that works. Spilling all the details will not allow a counselor to help you more. This is so important that I wish I could make this bold and so strong that you had no choice but to follow it.
You are obligated to provide an ultra-safe environment, for your children, like a cocoon made of steel. Your marriage is not meant to be shared with your children. It is meant to provide the love, security, training, and role models they need. You should NEVER criticize or condemn your husband, anyway; but especially do not do it in front of your children.
They should no nothing! He did it because he was dissatisfied with his marriage and has not been getting what he needs out of it. Make sure to use that motivational energy to start taking action in a positive direction. The longer you wait to deal with this situation, the further down the hill your marriage will slide. Venting is commonly touted as a necessary outlet.
When you hear yourself vent, your subconscious mind takes it all back in and gives it false substance. It validates and strengthens all of your frustrations, anger, and condemnations. What you can and should do is excuse yourself and go calm down by yourself.
Splash some water on your face in the bathroom, take a bath, go to the gym, take a walk in the park, or meditate. Come back later and address any situation that needs attention, but do it from a calm, centered place where you can express love and wisdom.
The purpose of avoiding these actions is to prevent you from making things even worse. If you choose poorly, there is no bottom to how far your marriage can slide. But if you start taking the right steps, your anger will be controlled, and not by just managing or hiding outbursts. You will be able to forgive him and you can be very happy again.
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Porn is not good, watching porn is not good, going on dating sites when you are married is not good…making your marriage work, starting with what you have, and learning how to ignite the connection…that is good. I just cant take losing the love of my life and my best friend. What do I do? Your wife, for instance, got into a pretty self destructive routine in her search for her way out, and I am sure her mind is doing the best it can sorting everything into rationalization that makes it all seem okay to her. When you hear yourself vent, your subconscious mind takes it all back in and gives it false substance. He got really mad at me….That is the fundamental problem, is my husband online dating. He, and all of us, learn in our own time, and in our own way. Complaining will not help. My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time. What we did was to establish our work in universal principles, and never stray from them in our teachings, constantly challenging ourselves to remain consistent.